However, it's also an indication that until you address those feelings in yourself and attempt to work on them, your relationships will never be healthy. Why am I scared of my boyfriend? Most likely when a guy first comes a-wooing, he wont be carrying his, Im an emotionally abusive man placard. I guess my only fear is that there have been times when I should have gotten pregnant but didn't which raises a red flag. Looking at it that way might help convince you that this is something you need to work on in yourself, rather than projecting it to be an issue stemming from your relationship. As your coach, the biggest thing that frustrates me is when you guys get the opportunity with them and you screw it up. He's a little bit broken, but hey, your middle name is Ms. Fix-Him. I (f16) have been with my boyfriend (M18) for a little under 9 months. NO, it is not normal to be "scared" of you boyfriend. Being in a state of emotional dependence not only puts your partner in a difficult situation but you as well! Your fears don't come from a totally unrealistic place. talk to him id say. Please don't think of it that way. If he gets upset or angry then it is time to break up. He is currently still with me. There's no reason not to. Showing consideration for you, your wishes, and your feelings is not his top priority. He always stares at my face and says "wow you look really different.." and its always awkward. That this is an issue on my part and what I need to do about it and what he can do to help. It just randomly popped out of nowhere, considering we were friends for years and we were together for quite a while before this irrational fear just started harming me mentally. Growing up you may have loved to dance salsa, to go horseback riding or even volunteer for a cause that you feel passionate about; the point is that you need to be active and to get out of your house and engage in activities that speaks to your soul! But I guess it's to late for that now. So it sounds as if you need to step back from this relationship. In some cases, it can be the first sign to the end of your relationship. That is completely understandable! You aren't a priority to your boyfriend. You cannot and should not depend on him to do activities that you love. I think your body sometimes has "gut" feelings when we are danger and we shouldn't ignore that. He isn't the type of person that talks easy, so showing affection is hard for him and I know this. No offense, but scientists recently discovered that feelings of romantic love tend to deactivate certain parts of the brain. Some will turn on the charm for a while others wont. He may well be a potty mouth. He certainly doesnt react in a measured, adult way when he feels peeved and aggrieved. He needs to know that his behavior is unacceptable. Girlfriend found fake blue fingernail and now Im a cheater. i dont think he relizes how stuff like this can mess with our feelings. He would get mad & grab/hit me. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. The purpose of dating is to find a worthy spouse, not to rehabilitate a troubled guy. All Rights Reserved. No. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. Believe it or not, sharing all of the not-so-pretty comforts of home with my loved one is rather idyllic. Especially when we don't have time to make it passionate or when I don't get anything back from him, it makes me feel like he's using me and that he doesn't like me as much as he tells me. He just broke up with me. He upset very easily & we fought a lot. Something comes up or hes feeling too tired or hes been really, really busy. Craig: If you are going through a break up, one of the scariest parts is the fear that your ex will move on. When ever I am alone I get incredibly anxious and feel like I the purpose in life is gone. I was wondering if anyone knows what I can do? It will make you happier and more fulfilled, you will give him space and you will instantly start to become more attractive in his eyes! There was some biting and down talk. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. About the information on how my boyfriend reacts. It depends if there is any validity to your fear. Such men do exist, but theyre only found by the women who refuse to settle for less. Relationships are after all supposed to fun, loving and caring. I have nightmares of him leaving me and having other girlfriends sometimes. My (F28) boyfriend (M29 posted and deleted me off instagram. Thanks for your comment anyway. And my answer is always the same: never! Its predictions are far more clear-sighted than yours are. So what did you? Often times you become incapable of doing anything constructive on your own; you cannot focus at work, you give up all of your hobbies or dont even want to go out with your friends. You can still show him love and attention but you will need to find more balance in order to be a positive force in his life and not another worry. If you can address it quickly, you can save the relationship. I (f16) have been with my boyfriend (M18) for a little under 9 months. He feels responsible for it and gets angry. Its the nature of human relationships and a seduction principle; when you make him the center of your world, you are in essence putting him on a pedestal. Hello. Because they arent emotionally invested in the relationship, they can look at the situation with greater clarity. He's never gotten physical and we rarely argue to the point where he yells, but his physique causes me to be super scared of him and I don't know what to do. On the contrary he will feel that he needs more time to himself, to go out with friends or to pursue his passions because you will become too much to bear with. By doing so you are no longer a challenge for him and your time and love will start to be taken for granted! Like I said; he isn't a very open person, so he never comforts me. 14 1 Similar questions More answers below I sometimes have an intense fear of my boyfriend for no reason. Maybe you have some burried trauma that's reacting to seeing him get angry or physical? The coach to call when thinking I am afraid to lose my boyfriend. Would you still have the same feelings for him, even though his outer appearance was no longer as nice? It hit me like a truck and the thought has not left me since. He probably suspects you of cheating because he's insecure, afraid, projecting and/or has trust issues. We really enjoy our time together and even though it might sound like I 'just want someone' right now.. It's pointless to worry about something that hasn't even happened. Your boyfriend KNOWS what your body is like. We're facing some big problems right now. If you're scared your ex will date someone else and forget about you, you need to remind yourself that your ex likely won't realize your worth without exploring his or her options first. Since he's so big, I'm literally terrified to even do normal things with him anymore. Read More >. 1. Every point you made came across as a clear sign that you probably would not be happy in any relationship right now. In a healthy relationship, both partners try to make each other feel valued, appreciated and loved. Put the brakes on this relationship. Husband doesnt include me on Bday dinner with siblings. He asks inappropriate personal questions early on. He isn't the type of person that talks easy, so showing affection is hard for him and I know this. [1]. . For example you can tell yourself that for the next 3 weeks you will not suggest to go out and not show him love in the ways that you usually do; no kissing, cuddling on the couch or in bed, etc. So.. I'm Afraid. It works on the principle that he has the lions share of the power, and you get the lions share of responsibility. And I've experienced it . that said, this could just be you feeling a little traumatized from witnessing violence. If your boyfriend is critical or contemptuous of other people, be very aware that you have a short shelf life before you become those other people. Calm yourself then get back at him when your mood turns well. aside from therapy, theres only one other valid solution: get ripped so you can passively flex your muscles to counter his full-body crunch. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. Girlfriend found fake blue fingernail and now Im a cheater. That being said, your feelings are a result of your past, and trying to use your present situation to justify them isn't helping at all. Shelly and her boyfriend, Jason, vehemently deny the allegations and claim the girls' mother, Roxy, has coached the girls to lie in hopes of . I'll keep it to myself because I don't want to upset him. Many young women with good hearts want to play the role of therapist for a guy who has a rough life, but they end up wounded, and the guy is not much better off. [2] As Proverbs 27:6 says, Faithful are the wounds of a friend. This means that although their advice may be painful to receive, it will be best in the long run to follow it. Every emotionally abusive boyfriend worth his salt has a great hard luck story about his tough past and, boy, does he tell it well. . I've been dating my boyfriend for 11 months & our 1 year is August 3. this is my second long term relationship & my first didn't go well at all. I feel torn about this. Here are 10 valid reasons for you to break up with your boyfriend without feeling guilty. Force yourself to become more independent; go out with your friends, and do things that you genuinely love to do. Two years ago I was raped and 6 months later I was left by my exboyfriend. Most women dont realize that the state of fear that they are living in is actually what leads them to a breakup. Break-up Predictors,Readers Digest, April 2002, 185. Tracy says she believes her sister, Shelly's, boyfriend may have sexually abused Shelly's two granddaughters, whom she is raising as her own children. Listen as Jason interviews special guests and delivers straight answers to tough questions submitted by the listeners on dating, singleness, marriage, and sexuality. Because, as per your details, you're scared that he'll physically abuse you in the future; he had name-called you several times and had told you he would kick you if you were near him. He's told me he wants another baby which I want too. Other areas of the brain that were deactivated are responsible for judgment of negative emotions. I love him but not enough to see us getting married onday. So can you. When we had sex it all comes up. Everytime we see eachother and he has to leave I get really sad. In fact, it is quite blissful. You might want to speek to a therapist. It shows a healthy respect for yourself, and that is the foundation for any good future relationship. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. The women that I coach on a one to one basis over the phone and in person are almost always in a state of fear; they cannot bear the thought of not being with the man that they love. S Jackson Retreat - When we feel scared in a relationship, we may give up real acts of love and intimacy and retreat into a " fantasy bond .". It will take effort and self-discipline! I (M51) need to tell my partner (F51) some uncomfortable Press J to jump to the feed. 7) Give yourself that much-needed "me-time". This guy is bad news. Sadly, that feeling didnt come with a 20-page PDF report, a government health warning, or even banner headlines anywhere you looked. Dont be afraid to lose him or to do things that you love on your own; because as I explained earlier fear will paralyze you and only increase the chances of a breakup. Therefore, do not dismiss their advice. Alternately, you've done something, intentionally or unintentionally . Love isn't being constantly afraid that your boyfriend of three months who's always texting someone when you're together is going to cheat on you. A recent study showed that when it comes to predicting the success or failure of a relationship, few people know better than the friends of the girl. Every grownups brain behavior stopped growing when they were between 16 and 20, and anything after that has to do with experiences and traumas, so keep in mind that his mind is between 16 and 20 years old. Thank you. Aight first of all, sorry for late reply. To his family i bit his arm for no reason. You didn't give very much information about your boyfriend's reactions to your fears, or the discussions that you have about it, which leads me to believe (I could be wrong), that a lot of what you're feeling is in your head. Most of the times he will ignore it, but lately he started asking me what's wrong. It could be neglect, abuse, lack of proper socialization with humans and/or other animals, pushed too much at an early age, physical trauma, pain, emotional trauma, any trauma at a critical period of puppyhood, etc. We made clear, from the outset, that there would be no abuse, abandonment, or lack of love in our relationship, or there would be no more relationship. There are many reasons why dogs become fearful. Here are the tell tale signs that he is an emotionally abusive man: Not all emotionally abusive men will show you a lack of respect from Day 1. Using a little child psychology may be helpful here. So just tell him, I'm pretty sure he'll be understanding. We're in a long distance relationship, but it has never bugged me before. Also because I can't seem to explain this properly to him. While I wouldn't call you 'needy', as I hate that word and all of the negativity it implies, I do think that you are projecting your fears in an unhealthy way. I trust him, he trusts me. Annies websiteprovides inspiration, encouragement, and the tools for getting over an abusive relationship, Keep up with Dr. Annie on recoverfromemotionalabuse.com. Telling you his hard luck story is a neat ploy. My first recommendation to help you in this process is to find your passion or hobby and to immerse yourself in it! I don't like to cuddle because I'm afraid he'll crush me accidentally, and I don't know where this fear came from. If you do not understand your value in Gods eyes, then it is easy to seek your worth in relationships, even unhealthy ones. Yea he has lost interest. You are simply in a state of emotional dependence as we talked about earlier. Until he can deal with his problems in a way that is not destructive to him or to others, he is not ready to be in an intimate relationship. Hes a little bit broken, but hey, your middle name is Ms. Fix-Him. It's important to pay attention to how much our actions are a response to our partner and how much are they a response to our critical inner voice. S-L-O-W down. Also Try: Should We Break Up Quiz. I need to go back to therapy, it isn't oke like this. How to get your ex back when youre getting divorced. Every guy is my life has hit me more than once, except for my current boyfriend. You only have to respond like the uber-caring, empathic, trusting person you are for him to know you are his perfect prey. However, our brains work somewhat slower compared to the high energy youth. Hes been let down, treated badly, exploited, and robbed blind by past wives and/orgirlfriends. He has a bad behavior or three that needs to be fixed. Right know I'm dying with fear because he is questioning our relationship. x I'm scared that one day I'll forget what I've always been . I do, but this is just becoming an issue. I (M51) need to tell my partner (F51) some uncomfortable Press J to jump to the feed. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. Is there something wrong with me? It sounds like you're feeling violated/scared when you're sexual because in the past it got you hurt badly. I know exactly what you are feeling like and I can help you feel better, become more emotionally independent and make your boyfriend fall back in love with you. He sets himself up as the authority on every area of your life including family, friends, your working life, and even your finances. I know for sure that having sex triggers a fuckload of this all. I can have any guy I want, and I chose him because there is nothing like him BUT there is one fundamental difference. But I know for sure that having sex triggers a fuckload of this all. So now more than ever I worry about the unthinkable - my husband dying. My boyfriend and I have had an average s** life for the majority of our year and a half relationship, but lately, in the last few months, things seem to be spiraling out of control. Instantly I went to google which was a bad idea cause now I'm freaking out. So how do you identify him before you get hurt? Not the couple themselves, not the guys friends, but the girls friends are often the most reliable judges of how strong a relationship is and how long it will last. He's making fun of you and belittling you. Whether it's romance, friendship, family, co-workers, or basic human interaction: we're here to help! You boyfriend is either afraid, immature, in denial, cowardly, insensitive, self possessed or a combination of those things and cares so little about your feelings or how this terrible news is going to impact you, he proceeds anyway with giving you the bad news in the hopes of getting it over with as quickly as possible. Parenting. as befits the star. He's never gotten physical and we rarely argue to the point where he yells, but his physique causes me to be super scared of him and I don't know what to do. Let me give you an example; at the beginning of your relationship when you first fell in love with him you experienced very strong feelings for him but you were not afraid. it sounds to me like you have some unresolved trauma related to the rape that you might need to work through. You only want to spend time with your man, and the more attention and love you try to give him and the more distant he will become. lack of motivation. [2]. Why is my dog scared? Sweet words from him means more than they ever did with anyone else. Talking all this over with your boyfriend will help some, but if you're like me, these feelings of, "Oh my God! If you let that thought in too much for too long, it will create the exact situation you fear. You can tell yourself hes just being a man, but the reality is that he is establishing a power (im)balance in the relationship. Though I really try to keep it in and don't talk about it with him. Give him space when he needs it and dont complain when he goes out with friends or just wants to stay home on the couch to watch a sports game. I sincerely like this guy. You say, "I must be a really needy and suffocating girlfriend." 5. Emotionally abusive partners create massive mental, emotional and financial havoc in their victims lives. I'm scared when ever he doesn't have time to see me, if he doesn't text back or doesn't show me affection. 4. I've [20F] been together with my boyfriend [21M] for 6 months now. Besides, he might be my last chance athappiness, right? Your intuition doesnt obsess about the past, or worry about the future. This is not selfishness. This is by far the weirdest thing I've readsee a therapist. ________________________ The scientists said that romantic love leads to the suppression of activity in the neural machineries associated with the critical social assessment of other people and with negative emotions. Worrying will never help you keep the man you love or get back with your ex! You should tell him, most guys should be understanding of girls, because they know girls are sensitive about that kind of stuff. Caught by dad, don't know how to handle it. If you want to keep yourself safe from emotionally abusive men, you have to learn how to spot them.